从布里斯本回来以后

过了一年半

荒废了半年

工作了一年

不知所谓了一年半

不开心了一年半

丢了生活一年半

迷糊的一年半

不知所措，茫茫一片的未来

我看我做不了自己了。 我看，我这辈子，都会是行尸走肉那样的过日子。  外表看起来不怎么像，可我心里呐喊的，远远超乎任何人想象。我不再知道我想要的是什么。

家人一句句的责问为啥我总是脸黑黑的对着他们。 我刚洗了澡，想着，我的确是双面人。 工作环境我都摆出了笑脸，就连坐柜台的receptionist也说看到我整天都是开心的工作。 原来我在外面给人的印象是这样子，尽管我多么的压力。 而我一回到家，脸部肌肉就会很自然地紧绷起来。我见到他们，一句话都不说，就上楼去。

我不想听他们的慰问，就换来了他们的责问。他们越问，我就是越不想说。

我很辛苦，真的很辛苦。

下一个

有人留，有人去。

离别总是难舍。 

午餐已不再是一大伙儿的群体活动。少了一个，少了两个，少了三个，少了四个。剩下就是几个“麻辣佬”。

接下来的日子，谁猜得到谁是下一个？

呼。

难度

"When was the last time you feel happy with yourself?"

有一道问题是这样子问的。我记得句子比这个还要多几个字，可是意思大概是这样就对了。"你最后一次对你自己感到开心是什么时候？"

"It's a difficult question."
"Yes, it is. It was long time ago."

你知道你面对自己最真实的一面是很困难的事情。

昨晚，我看了TED的某个讲座的视频。演讲者说到，任何事没有更加困难/比较困难，只有"困难"而已。

你要面对自己最真实的一面的那种难度，如同你要忆起你再上一次对自己感到开心是什么时候，一样困难。

然而，我觉得正是在改变自己的过程里必须去面对的阶段。


下周，我就加入健身房吧。

我还没有起跑

我更加留意到了。

我需要运动。

我需要均衡的饮食。

我需要满足的睡眠。

我需要work life balance。

我需要控制。

我需要生活习惯的进步。

可我有的想法，还没多规划 :/

你知道，你渴望的大于________

我可以不说话一天，但若有人与我谈话，我也不会完全不给一点反应。

没东西说，就不说。

和家人。不只一天，不是一时。
我知道这是怎么一回事。
当某日来临，恐怕疏远正是他们防范我的最佳对付方法。

这里很亮，可你却看不透。是隔住了。

不能翻越，不能刺破，不能触碰，不能穿过，不能进来。都不能。

我知道，这不是我要的，
这不是我渴望的，
这不是我追求的，
这不是我梦的。

Teamwork

"Think about it, if people can do this to him, you will go through the same thing as he does, soon enough when you handle your own projects." As far as I could recall, my boss said something like this when she tried to pursuade us - the two juniors - in a sound and comforting way so thatwe wouldn't take it the wrong way for lending a hand to the team for an OT mission on non-working-Saturday.

The story behind was simple: some team members have done something that is not right to the job which is already in a worsening situation, and to help a team leader who is seriously in need of assistance is the goal of ours.

Despite so much my reluctance to back to work on Saturday, I couldn't agree more on what my boss has analysed to us. See, I wasn't the one who made the mistakes but I tried my bestest to sort the shit out. What's more I'm not the leader of that project. 

But, I am part of the team. 

Not in my position to judge how others have and have not taken on their responsibilities in the team, but seems like for the past few weeks all efforts of everyone are not tying up together to achieve the product of the team. Of course including myself, I would acknowledge. 

And I believe in karma. If I don't work as a team member, someday no one would treat my own team as a "team". What goes around, comes around. 

The secretaries

Start work today. Hopeful, motivated morning was ruined by the rants of the knows-it-all secretary shooting out on me. See, I am not paid to deal with all shits which I steadfast they're the faults of mine, or nothing to be complained about. And in fact, the way she tries to find every single possibility to say something loud and embarrass you is not pleasant at all. Though I am so done with her "words of wisdom" this morning, I comforted myself and thought that : hey, she is the best person to learn from. Who's in a better position to be the one we learn from to deal with the person whom you do not like/ disagree with? That person. Good time to sharpen my EQ. But I wonder are secretaries paid to be fussy at workplace?